A miscarriage......

Tuesday

My first doctor’s Appointment......  I got an ultrasound and they told me that I have miscarried.

Feelings…… Shock and Denial and wanting proof and or confirmation.

That evening:  Full of tears and despair and loneliness.

I got to talk to Joseph and that helped calm my nerves after he knew and I was able to cope once I had him praying for us.

I had my home teachers over and they gave me a blessing and had two awesome girlfriends come over and give me ice cream and girl talk.

Then it was bed time….I was exhausted and I knew the Lord knew my heart and knew what I needed at this time and put in his hands and went to bed.

What I was feeling at this point:  I was calm.  I was coming to terms that my baby was with heavenly Father and was just that special to get to stay up there with Him.

I had researched the options and found out what was out there and compared it to my situation and what I was going to be able to handle.

Wednesday

When I woke in the morning and was getting the boys in the car to take to my friend’s house I just knew that if I had the confirmation of knowing for sure that I had miscarried then I would go ahead and get the D and C and go through the process. 

So I go to the hospital this morning and received an ultrasound confirming that I have had a miscarriage.  I am 12 weeks this week and the fetus is only 6 to 8 weeks old and he showed me that there was no circulation to the fetus or anywhere in that area.   This was the confirmation I was looking for plus I just felt that it was and there was PEACE.

So I told them that we would go ahead and do the operation.  So I got a pill deposit and over two hours of lying down and watching Bride wars that they gave me I was dilated and ready for surgery.  They then brought in a sleeping pill for me to take and then left the room.

It hits me- I was scared to death and incredibly emotional and ALONE.   I prayed fervently to heavenly father for comfort and Peace and to watch over me and protect me.  I then asked for one of my Grandmas to be there with me so that I had some relation there for me as well as my husbands priesthood to bless me.  I was still emotional but I had Peace amongst being scared of the unknown.

They wheeled me to the OR and I felt like I was entering the twilight zone in some sci fi flick.  You go through these doors and they close behind you.  You are transferred to an operating bed and then the nurses are left in that room while the operating room doors open up and I am wheeled in to where I will be given surgery.  They do the typical of checking vitals and then he brings in the  Anesthesia to put into my IV and I asked him how long it takes and he said about 20 seconds.  So he put it in and I was fully aware and I said ha it probably will take longer then he said good night and I could feel it and as soon as I said by I was asleep.

I woke up in the waiting area of the OR on my bed and I was tired but I was very surprised to feel as good as I did.  I had no pain, my throut didn’t hurt and wasn’t dry (I was worried about this because they put a tube down your throat to keep you breathing and an Oral airway) the only thing I notice was a little blister on my lip from a small cut but nothing else. 

I was wheeled back to my room and there I rested off the sleeping medicine and finally after an hour got something to eat.   I was so hungry.

And I was done.  And I called for my ride and they came and got me.

This was such a unique experience because after my surgery I had no anxiety, no pain, just PEACE and that felt really good.  I am sad YES and this is hard and will be hard in the continuing days but I am completely at peace now and I am able to move forward and what a blessing that is.

The Lord is there in our trials and can help us through them and he was there for me and my family.

I have been blessed with amazing friends.  My friend Erin Took my kids all day and bought us pizza tonight.  My friend Sara is staying with me overnight because I am not supposed to be alone for 24 hours and I have a friend (Elaina) coming in the morning to be with me.  I am so grateful for the church, the gospel and it is full of Family and friends ready to help.

I am grateful for my husband being there for me and his priesthood blessing my life even when he is not with me physically, he is spiritually and emotionally.  I love him so much!!

This is my experience and it will continue to be hard as I cope and heal and move forward but I will be OK because I have the Lord.